2022 Live Draft Table Setter
Gentlemen, welcome back for Season 5 of The GLOAT! Cheers to another year of bad beats, toxic arrogance, and steep mental health taxation. Does it get any better than this???
The draft is only 72 hours away, so let’s set the table and stir the pot.
Organized by Draft Order.
Austin
2020 Champion
All-Time Record: 29-24
All-Time PPG: 121.1
Those championship hangovers will get ya! Headlined by a six game losing streak, the 2021 season was a major letdown for this perennial contender - having failed to earn a playoff spot for the first time in franchise history. For a GM that’s notoriously inactive on the waiver wire and trade table, draft performance becomes paramount. The 1.01 spot makes for a nice start. You can literally pick ANYONE you want! ANYONE!! How crazy is that? ANYONE!
Case
2021 Champion
All-Time Record: 19-21
All-Time PPG: 119.1
Let’s hear it for your 2021 Champ! This once-struggling franchise not only turned things around last season, but did so with one of the deadliest lineups this league has ever seen. Of course - the legitimacy of the ring has been called into question due to the alleged use of PEDs (Performance Enhancing Devon). Do you feel it yet? That target on your back?
Devon
2018 Champion
All-Time Record: 23-30
All-Time PPG: 110.2
Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt - it’s time to accept the truth and build back better. After three straight playoff misses, that 2018 Championship is starting to feel like a distant memory. Then again, the “AJ Preller” approach to player acquisition is a high-risk high-reward game. With the third overall pick, De’Von is in a good position frontload his roster with a heavy hitter and reestablish this his forgotten dominance.
Tom
2019 Champion
All-Time Record: 42-11
All-Time PPG: 127.0
A resume that would make Bill Russell jealous: 42-11 all-time, four straight first round BYEs, four top three finishes, four straight double digit win seasons, most points in league history, a scoring title, and a ring. With nothing else to prove, bringing “Tommy Two-Rings” to fruition is the logical next step for this dynasty. I am the Alpha and the Omega. You only exist for me to beat you.
Chet
All-Time Record: 22-18
All-Time PPG: 111.3
Wowza! Congrats on your Bronze Medal! When a team has championship caliber, anything short of Valhalla feels like a failure. Which, I guess it was? Either way - this GM is fueled by immeasurable hatred and fire towards others (me). Was 2021 a sign of big things to come? Or are we staring down the barrel of mediocrity again? Only time will tell.
Cole
All-Time Record: 24-29
All-Time PPG: 113.8
Like a low risk mutual fund, the arrow is pointing upward ever so slightly. 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th - and now 4th place in 2022? If that’s the case, we can lock in Dr. Wattsizzle for his first ring in 2025! This is a franchise that’s always been respectable, though rarely threatening. With that said, I suspect few GMs have conducted more mock drafts - let’s see if that preparation is enough to send this stock to the moon.
Kyle
All-Time Record: 18-35
All-Time PPG: 107.4
You could fry an egg on this GM’s hot seat. Four years of high hopes, four years of big talkin’, four years of consolation brackets. Every league needs its punching bag, right? I reckon an optimist would say - “there’s no place to go but up!” But we all know Kyle. This man would sell his soul just to sniff a 6th place finish with a first round exit. But the man knows his football, and this comedic tragedy can only last for so long.
Z
All-Time Record: 25-28
All-Time PPG: 104.6
With what always seems to be the least inspiring roster in the league, The Unit doesn’t let that stop him from SOMEHOW competing for a playoff spot. Last season’s 6-8 record was enough for the big dance, though the fun didn’t last long. While I cannot confirm whether or not he reads or group text (or this article for that matter), what I can confirm is that Z will bring his A-Game week in and week out. Get it? Z? A-Game? I try.
Brad
All-Time Record: 30-23
All-Time PPG: 125.9
Always good, never good enough. Three playoff appearances, 30-22 all-time, second most points all-time, and a 2018 scoring title. This is a top shelf resume with a glaring ring-shaped hole (no offense @Sam). So, no Austin, my "favoritism for Brad” is not unwarranted. Bonnie’s dad is one chip away from becoming the third most admired franchise in HMB history (behind myself and Simms Plumbing).
Ryan
All-Time Record: 31-22
All-Time PPG: 115.6
Only losers trade in championship rings for wedding rings! Scoff! While it may have been a big year for his personal life, Mr. Kulda’s Mattel’s fantasy status took on significant water in 2021. But even with the down year, this franchise still owns the second best record in GLOAT history. Give credit where credit is due. Side note - I personally love the image of Ryan glued to the couch watching SNF, holding his beautiful newborn daughter, and quietly pounding his chest as he edges out his opponent in garbage time.
Henry
All-Time Record: 27-26
All-Time PPG: 118.1
Does Hank read these? Who knows! What I do know is that last season was riddled with injuries, and 4-10 was good enough for last place. 1.11 is an interesting spot to be, albeit much different than the 1.01 spot in 2021. Double up on RB? WR? Split? Buy the top TE around the turn? Lot of choices! Speaking of choices - I’d like Coors Light and/or Modelos for the draft party. Please and thank you!
Bacich
All-Time Record: 16-24
All-Time PPG: 109.9
The perceived villain of last year’s draft party was anything but villainous in the regular season. In fact, 5-9 is pretty friendly behavior towards the opponent! This man can open a bottle cap with his teeth and is comfortable overseeing facial reconstructive surgeries, but assembling a competitive fantasy roster has been a tough assignment lately.
GOOD LUCK FAM
