Power Rankings: Week 9

IT”S MEME WEEK.

Before we get started, isn’t it kind of telling that the top four teams in the league offer some of the best QBs? Russ (Ryan), K1 (Tom), Mahomes (Stain), and Dak/Lamar (Hen). I’m not a big believer in drafting QB’s early, but it sure seems like a top notch QB is a difference maker.

Anyway, enjoy some bootleg memes…

1. Moore Crow-Bell (9-0)

   Last Week: 1st

   Playoff Odds: 100%

   After an unprecedented 9-0 start, we all know who wears the crown at this point. Not only are the playoffs a guarantee, but there’s just a 1/5 chance the team doesn’t secure a first round BYE. Zeke and the tailbacks are pretty unimpressive all of a sudden, but the wideouts keep getting it done through the air. Week 9 wasn’t a thumper, but I doubt Ryan gives a damn considering he’s already focusing on the Semi Final (Week 15). Gulp.

2. Still T.O.M. (7-2)

   Last Week: 2nd

   Playoff Odds: 100%

   Moore Crow-Bell may be the team to beat right now, but the reigning champs aren’t slowing down. The roster is firing on all cylinders from top to bottom, with a stronger bench than most. K1 is essentially a QB1 and RB1 baked into one player, James RB1son is deadly in the FLEX, and the WRs continue to eat more than their fair share. CMC might be hurt again - but who needs him? F*ck modesty. F*ck humility. Like Ricky Bobby, I’m the best there is.

3. A Stainers (6-3)

   Last Week: 3rd

   Playoff Odds: 99.6%

   Speaking of the best of the best - a starting lineup with the official QB1, RB1, and WR1 makes for quite the convincing argument. With a playoff spot virtually guaranteed, now it’s time to chase down a first round BYE. Frankly, it shouldn’t be that much of a challenge. Down just one game in the standings, the Stainers have a relatively friendly remaining schedule with a good number of team BYE’s already accounted for. After putting the kabash on TNT’s playoff hopes, up next is a sneaky opponent looking for it’s 3rd consecutive W.

4. Hammered Uncle Hanks (6-3)

   Last Week: 4th

   Playoff Odds: 99.4%

   Wins come pretty easy these days when you employ Dalvin Cook. The man is on an absolute bender, with 85.8 points scored over his last two games. It’s because of guys like Dalvin, DK, and Nuk that Henry might not even need a consistent RB2, let alone a healthy George Kittle. The roster is scary enough as it is. Anytime Claypool, Parker, and Lamar Jackson perform above expected - it’s just a cherry on top. LJax is obviously still playable, but his recent struggles are the only thing keeping the Hammered Hanks towards the bottom of our league’s “Elite Tier”.

5. Lord Beer Me Strength (4-5)

   Last Week: 5th

   Playoff Odds: 30.9%

   Little bit of a choke job here, but there was just nothing that could be done about it. Golladay, Woods, and Higgins were all out with a BYE and/or injury and the rest of the guys just couldn’t step up. David Johnson’s first quarter concussion was a four iron to the gonads, and David Montgomery feels like the primary victim of what I’m calling ‘The Most Boring Team in Recent Memory; The 2020 Chicago Bears’. But even at 4-5, it’s a really stellar roster at every single position - except RB which is still aight. Travis Kelce’s BYE does not come at a good time though, as the team desperately needs a victory over Z-Unit in Week 10.

6. Z-Unit (5-4)

   Last Week: 7th

   Playoff Odds: 75.4%

   Who’s laughing now? In back to back years, it’s felt like Z’s roster should have quietly suffocated into irrelevance - but clearly there’s no quit in this guy. Z has managed to scavenge for deployable RB’s in recent weeks, all of whom have produced solid numbers; Boston Scott, Wayne Gallman, Chase Edmonds, etc. With Chris Carson hopefully returning in Week 10, that’ll only increase his playoff odds. A lot is asked of Terry McLaurin and Brandin Cooks every week, but it’s been a while since they last disappointed. Don’t sleep on these boys.

7. Peter’s Team (3-6)

   Last Week: 12th

   Playoff Odds: 29.1%

   Someone call the coroner because this man is back from the dead! Well, almost. The team still needs to piece a few more wins together, but how can you not feel confident right now? All 4 wideouts have been booming recently, and you could do far worse than Jacobs & Jones at tailback. With only one relevant BYE remaining on the schedule, could we be witnessing the full resuscitation of a dead man? I’m here for it.

8. John Brown (4-5)

   Last Week: 8th

   Playoff Odds: 38.2%

   I said this in Week 1 and I’ll say it again. You can’t start Mike Evans against the Saints. His fantasy numbers ended up being respectable thanks to garbage time pickups, but let’s look at Mike Evans’ last three games lining up against Marshon Lattimore. 2 targets, 0 catches. 2 targets, 0 catches. Last night? 2 targets, 0 catches. OWNAGE. Christian Kirk and John Brown are trending in the right direction, but Tom Brady and the 49ers D/ST choked this game away. Next week feels pretty close to a must-win, against the last remaining undefeated team nonetheless.

9. Brees In The Trap (3-6)

   Last Week: 6th

   Playoff Odds: 15.1%

   Well, that was a girthy L to swallow. But hey, if it’s any consolation; you may have won the TJ Hockenson trade. I damn sure wish I would’ve given you Tonyan instead. Ridley’s injury and upcoming BYE are crippling, as has been Joe Mixon’s absence. Rookie RB’s Taylor and Dobbins have disappointed, and the rest of the roster hasn’t been able to pick up the slack. At 3-6, we’ve reached “win-out” territory. Do you accept this challenge?

10. #1 Team in all of HMB (3-6)

    Last Week: 9th

    Playoff Odds: 7.5%

    The math says the playoff odds are improbable, but I might argue the number should be higher. Why? Because two first round talents are coming back this week; Nick Chubb and Miles Sanders. If they don’t skip a beat and avoid reaggravation, this isn’t a team worth overlooking. Sure, the WRs all look like boom or bust guys - but the upside is palpable. It’s not over til it’s over, but it’s almost over.

11. The Steamers (2-7)

    Last Week: 10th

    Playoff Odds: 6.4%

    Kickers are stupid. Just needed to get that off my chest. The season’s theme has been a brutal one for the Birthday Boy, as the average opponent score still sits at 130 PPG. Just brutal, especially for a team that’s fifth in the league in scoring. It felt like the entire roster balled out on Sunday, highlighted by career days from Curtis Samuel and Jerry Jeudy. With no shortage of healthy stars, this is a 7-2 team trapped in a 2-7 team’s body.

12. Terra Nova Tigers (2-7)

    Last Week: 11th

    Playoff Odds: 0.6%

    Womp. Womp. That’s all she wrote folks. Once healthy, the team will have a good opportunity to play spoiler in the coming weeks - but it’s looking like this’ll be the third consecutive season in which Mr. Harwood misses the postseason. And once again, health is to blame. NEXT YEAR WILL BE THE YEAR.