Power Rankings: Week 12

TWO. WEEKS. LEFT.

Okay, this is actually going to be a wild finish. 4 teams are locked into the postseason, 3 of whom are duking it out for the coveted First Round BYE’s.

Realistically speaking, 6 teams are competing for the last two playoff spots. Z maintains a slim lead in the W category, with Cole owning the current tiebreaker for the 6th seed. Ryan, Devon, Austin, and Henry each own somewhat realistic paths to success (all of which require the demise of the current 5th and 6th seeds). I’m thankful to not be involved, but I sure can’t wait to see how it shakes out!

1. Tom’s Brown (9-3)

   Last Week: 1st

   An uncharacteristic loss, followed by a huge roster pick-me-up. Alexander Mattison is primed to be a plug-and-play RB1 for as long as big brother is sidelined. With weapons all over the place, Case should have no problem overcoming Tom’s 0.82 point lead in the race for Most Points Scored. I’ll even given you bonus points for your splendid new team name! Delightful!

2. Tua Tagovailoa (10-2)

   Last Week: 2nd

   Yep, I left you at #2. Sue me! In reality, the team sort of laid an egg on Sunday. Lenny 4Net (wowza) and Daniel Carlson (kickers are f*cking stupid) pretty much carried the load. The A.J. Brown injury is significant, but hopefully a 10-2 record can earn a BYE and give the star receiver enough time to recover.

3. The Steamers (7-5)

   Last Week: 4th

   That 0.5 point loss would sting a hell lot more if there was more at stake. With a playoff ticket already booked, this loss only means that a First Round BYE is no longer in play. Despite the down week, brighter days are surely ahead. Kickin’ Kareem and Greg Kittle are bound to step up. Unless you’re playing the matchup game, these next two weeks are pretty much meaningless. So kick back, relax, and stay healthy!

4. Serup In My Kupp (5-7)

   Last Week: 5th

   STRESS CITY, POPULATION: 1. It’s officially time to worry (a little bit). Cole is still clinging on to the final playoff slot at 5-7, but it’s looking like he’ll be short-staffed at RB in Week 13. Aaron Jones will be on BYE, and D’Andre Swift rolled over his shoulder on Turkey Day. At full health, this roster is an easy championship contender - but we gotta make the playoffs first! 

5. Peeping Toms (10-2)

   Last Week: 3rd

   It’s a long, long fall from the top. There was once a time (circa mid-October), in which this was going to be the greatest lineup ever assembled. You know it to be true. But then, take away Derek Henry, Christian McCaffrey, Michael Carter, CeeDee Lamb, and Deebo Samuel - and what are you left with? Rubble. Absolute Rubble. BUT HEY GUYS THAT MAKES FOUR CONSECUTIVE DOUBLE DIGIT WIN SEASONS. #GOAT. #41-10.

6. Z-Unit (6-6)

   Last Week: 6th

   This has been such a “Z season”. Roll with punches, win some big games, lose some gimmes, and end up right around .500. Now 6-6, with only a one game lead and a very small scoring margin, the Unit isn’t quite out of the woods yet! With Ryan and Cole nipping at his heels, it’s time to grab a W and put this thing to bed. Zzzzzzzzzzz

7. Bulletin Board Material (5-7)

   Last Week: 8th

   Holy sh*t. Is this happening? How is this happening? Is this legal? Ryan is now TIED at 5-7 with Cole, who currently owns the #6 playoff spot. The only thing separating Ryan from one of the greatest comebacks of all time is a measly point tiebreaker. But UGH. That Dalvin Cook scare could not be coming at a more inconvenient time. But the show must go on!

8. Esqueleto, More Eagle Powers (4-8)

   Last Week: 9th

   This was a low-key huge revenge game. Or shall I call it - “The JAMAL WILLIAMS Rematch”? Regardless, this was a big win. It’s all coming down to the point tiebreaker. With 100+ points over Z and Ryan, and down only 30 to Cole, Devon can easily pull this off. And look! DeAndre Hopkins & Amari Cooper are getting healthy just in time!

9. R.I.P. Woods (4-8)

   Last Week: 7th

   Well, ESPN says there’s still a chance? You’re right there in terms of win-loss record, but there are just soooooo many points that need to be made up. It’s not over, but it’s over.

10. Hammered Uncle Hanks (4-8)

    Last Week: 11th

    At this point, you’re just rooting against anyone named Cole, Z, Devon, Austin, or Ryan. That, and you need to score some points of your own to ideally overtake Z and Austin in points scored. It’s a tough spot to be in, but surely not impossible given the way these RB’s are playing.

11. A Loser (4-8)

    Last Week: 12th

    You said it yourself. Win out, watch Cole and/or Z go 0-2, then edge out Ryan/Devon in points scored. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champ is still breathing!!!

12. Hop On This Dick (4-8)

    Last Week: 10th

     I’m sorry, buddy. I think the mountain is too tall to climb. Even with a solid RB core all of a sudden, jumping four or five teams when you’re buried at the bottom is a near impossibility.