Power Rankings: Week 13

Well gents, another year of Power Rankings in the books! Jokes and bragging rights aside, thank you for making this so much fun. I f*cking love you dudes.

Now, back to business. We have a big f*cking Week 14 in store. The final two playoff spots are still up for grabs, and the Week 13 outcomes only made things more interesting. They both sit at 6-7, but Cole did manage to switch spots with Z in the standings. On the outside looking in, we have Devon, Austin, and Kyle currently at 5-8 - all just one game removed from playoff football. 

Devon has a win-and-you’re-in situation on his hands. Austin and Kyle need a combination of losses to take place. If I’m not mistaken, they each need losses from one another, and they need Z to lose while also surpassing and/or maintaining their scoring lead over him.

Not that any of you care - but I currently lead Case in the race for Most Points Scored by 40.4. With he and I matched up on Sunday, it’ll be easy to track who takes home that crown.

1. Antonio Frown (9-4)

   Last Week: 1st

   It’s been a hell of a year, and the best may be yet to come. The roster could be a full strength soon with Chase Edmonds and AB on their way back, but right now all eyes are on Austin Ekeler’s health. Bot honestly, the Allen-Hill-Adams trio provide more ammunition than Remington Arms on a weekly basis. So Case might be fine as it is. But - a win this weekend and a loss to Chet would sure be nice for a First Round BYE.

2. Tua Tagovailoa (10-3)

   Last Week: 2nd

   Still #2. I know! Crazy right? In my opinion, you’re one healthy A.J. Brown away from being top dawg. This is easily the strongest backfield in all of GLOAT, the WR’s are deep, and Chet proudly owns the #2 Kicker in fantasy. Now if that one doesn’t scare you - I don’t know what will. Only one win or a Case loss away from securing a First Round BYE!

3. The Steamers (8-5)

   Last Week: 3rd

   Good thing you’ve already locked up a playoff spot - because fighting for your life without the help of Jonathan Taylor sounds like a date with the devil. Week 14 will be meaningless for Bradley beyond playoff seeding. But he’s right, there couldn’t be a better time for JT’s BYE. Lord knows the last thing I’d want to see in Round 1 is his freshly-rested scoring machine. It’s never been a deep roster, and it probably never will be, but the starters are as deadly as they come.

4. Peeping Toms (11-2)

   Last Week: 5th

    Okay c’mon. 4 years and 4 BYEs is pretty wild. But I will admit - this particular roster might be one of the weakest in playoff contention. I’m over here doing ritualistic prayer dances to summon Week 15 returns from Michael Carter and Derrick Henry. In the meantime, we’ll see how long Tony Pollard and the WR’s can keep carrying the load. Oh - and my main man Herby. Can’t forget about Herby.

5. Serup In My Kupp (6-7)

   Last Week: 4th

   Finally! That 4-game skid was a doozy, but we’re not out of the woods yet. Win, and you’re in. Lose, and you put yourself at the mercy of Z-Unit. But goddamn - like a $20 back alley special, the blows just keep on coming. Keenan has the ‘vid, and D’Andre Swift still hasn’t practiced since his shoulder injury. Those two voids are impossible to fill, but maybe Cooper Kupp is enough to wrap things up?

6. Esqueleto, More Eagle Powers (5-8)

   Last Week: 8th

   HE’S BAAAACKK. That Alexander Mattison acquisition was as shrewd as it gets. He and Najee make for a nasty one-two punch, and now Nuk, Coop, and Lockett are finally all healthy at the same time. Oh, and that guy Tommy B happens to be THE QB1 at age 44 (wtf). In short, this isn’t a team that anyone wants to see in the playoffs. Someone kill ‘em before it’s too late!

7. Z-Unit (6-7)

   Last Week: 6th

   Clinging on to the 6th seed for dear life! Win, and you’re in. Lose, and well, you’re probably out. Thankfully, there’s a pretty manageable matchup on deck - but Adam Thielen will surely be missed. Fingers crossed for Alvin Kamara’s imminent return, but James Conner’s stock might be subject to dip soon as well. Choppy waters ahead.

8. A Loser (5-8)

   Last Week: 11th

   You said you were gonna make the playoffs, and here you are! Right on the doorstep. Good timing too, because the team’s never been better. Javonte Williams looked like a real life bronco on Sunday, Chubba Hubbard is an RB2 again, and Tee Higgins has posted back-to-back monster performances. Jaylen Waddle’s BYE is inconvenient, but Stain’s opponent will be severely undermanned as well. Say your prayers, rub your rabbit’s foot, and kiss a bald man on the head - this is it!!!

9. R.I.P. Woods (5-8)

   Last Week: 9th

   Death, taxes, and Kyle’s fantasy inadequacy. This poor bloke just can’t catch a break. Busted draft picks, season-ending injuries - the list goes on and on. ESPN still says there’s chance, but I’m not seeing it. 

10. Bulletin Board Material (5-8)

    Last Week: 7th

    SHAME. SHAME. You’re one game away from a Hugh Glass comeback, and you forget to set your lineup? Tough. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think there was a single combination of waiver wire additions that would’ve been able to overcome that point deficit. 

11. Hammered Uncle Hanks (4-9)

    Last Week: 10th

    Turn off the lights, the party’s over. ’Twas an uncharacteristic year for Uncle Hank. Muddled by injuries early and often, this perennial contender was relegated to irrelevant status in 2021.  Even if you look at his roster today, there are more Q’s than a can of Campbell’s Alphabet Soup.

12. Hop On This D*ck (4-9)

    Last Week: 12th

    May I present, GLOAT’s leading candidate for Last Place! With nothing to play for in Week 14, Bacich has one last opportunity to play spoiler.

GOOD LUCK, Y’ALL!