Power Rankings: Week 5
How in the hell are we already a third of the way through the regular season? Let’s celebrate with our annual Meme Week.
Good luck in Week 6, gentlemen!
Tony Brown Town (5-0)
Last Week: 1st
Hansel - I mean Case - is so hot right now. It’s tough to imagine a more picturesque start to the season. Three straight 150+ point weeks, a suspiciously ridiculous 200 (???) point explosion in Week5, 5 straight victories, and the team has failed to score 140 just once. What’s been working so well? Well for starters, Josh Allen is the QB4, Awesome Ekeler is the RB2, Mike WillMadeIt is THE WR1, Tyreek the Baby Puncher is the WR3, and Cordarrelle Patterson (yes, Cordarrelle Patterson) is the RB4. In other news, there’s nothing new to report about the best team in the league.Peeping Toms (4-1)
Last Week: 2nd
Can I get a “uuuyyy yeahhh?” Two consecutive 160 burgers, and five straight games north of 130. It helps when ‘Herby Fully Loaded’ and King Henry combine for almost 75. Even on a lower volume week, the WR crew still managed to put up some healthy statlines. Good vibes at 4-1 with a monstrous point total - yet somehow still second in scoring? I’m built for this. You and I are not the same.
Tua Tagovailoa (4-1)
Last Week: 4th
NEXT. MAN. UP. MENTALITY. With Montgomery sidelined for a while, two LSU Tigers stepped up in a big way. Lenny 4Net looked like his Baton Rouge-self, and Jamar Chase continued his absolutely silly start to his rookie season. You got to be hyped at 4-1, considering all of the injuries this franchise has had to endure. Fingers crossed for CEH’s knee, but Darrel Williams may just be the new lead back in KC for a while...
Serup In My Kupp (3-2)
Last Week: 5th
Very nice use of a mulligan. Week 4 was a water hazard shank, but Week 5 was pured down the fairway. The whole team had a strong week, but there’s only one true frontpage story on this roster - Kyle Pitts Dawson Knox. With two seemingly strong TE’s, that not only provides serviceable depth, but it also makes for a full clip of trade ammunition. Don’t let the promising yet modest 3-2 record fool you, this is very much a championship-contending roster.Z-Unit (4-1)
Last Week: 3rd
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Kamara and Gaskin helped to restore some confidence on Sunday with a pair of 27 point gems. The bad news is that Mr. Unlimited will be out for a month or two, which simultaneously discounts the value of all Seattle Seahawks. Look for all three wide receivers to turn things around in Week 7. It’s a somewhat shaky 4-1 roster, but it’s a 4-1 roster nonetheless.
Ama(w)i Gonna Win? (2-3)
Last Week: 7th
He’s baaaaackk. 0-3 was a scary place, but now we’re just one win away from a .500 record. Davante Adams is easily the best wideout in football, he may even be the best since Megatron - but I digress. All three halfbacks scored a tud, and this Dalton Schultz trend might be here to stay. This is just a damn good squad that’s suffered some tough luck early on. Up next is a MONUMENTAL matchup against the Peeping Toms - a game that holds massive implications for our legendary wager.A Stainers (2-3)
Last Week: 6th
Tough Sunday, but I hope ACL was fun! I reckon that a 150 point output results in a W north of 95% of the time. But keep yo head on straight. By now we’ve all forgotten about Zeke’s sleepy Week 1 opener, and DK will need to be a focal point of Seattle’s offense if they intend to win without Russell Wilson. Expect similar, but less efficient numbers from the Ole Miss product. With Chubba Hubbard hitting the sidelines soon, Javonte Williams and/or Mike Davis are going to need to be relied upon more heavily.
The Steamers (2-3)
Last Week: 8th
The top of the roster showed up and showed out, but everyone else played hooky. JuJu wasn’t doing much offensively anyway, but his season-ending shoulder injury does sting for a team that’s already lost George Kittle for a while. Diggs hasn’t been a “let-down” per se, but it’d sure be nice to see him return to his WR1 form alongside the quality trio of Rodgers-Taylor-Hunt. With Marquis Brown seemingly stepping into the starting lineup next week, this bench becomes one of the thinnest in the league.
Hammered Uncle Hanks (1-4)
Last Week: 9th
Good ole Fleet Week got the best of ya, huh? What started as a bad week with two immediate goose eggs, became an even worse week following the news that Clyde Edwards-Helaire will be sidelined for a few weeks. The Hurt Hanks have now lost the following players to injury; CMC (1st), CEH (2rd), Kenny Golladay (7th), DJ Chark (8th), Jarvis Landry (9th), Michael Gallup (12th), and Michael Gallup (13th). Somebody get this man an ice pack!
Killing Me Swiftly (1-4)
Last Week: 12th
Behold! Your winner of the Goose Egg Battle. Those early morning London games will get the best of ya, as Ryan failed to pull Calvin Ridley out of the lineup. Thankfully it wasn’t enough to get in the way of this club’s first win! Chase Claypool’s stock is on the rise, and the Hurts-Swift duo continues to be sneaky nice. Dalvin Cook and Julio Jones NEED to suit up soon though if they intend to climb out of this early season hole.
Hard Woods (1-4)
Last Week: 11th
In a week where Robert Woods so badly needed to perform, he did just that! It just so happens that the other WRs forgot to show up. Najee Harris and Travis Kelce have been the only reliable weapons thus far, and the QB position has managed to post 20 points just once through five weeks. Hopefully Damien Williams proves to be a nice find for as long as David Montgomery is out, as CLB is in dire need of a shot in the arm.
Hop On This Dick (1-4)
Last Week: 10th
CODE RED. I REPEAT. CODE RED. This Saquon Barkley injury is a nightmare scenario for a club in the middle of a four game skid. With Saquon sidelined, we’re looking at Jamal Williams and Mark Ingram as the top two replacements. Big yikes. The situation gets even scarier when you consider ARob has become somewhat of a ghost in Chicago, and Tyler Lockett will now have to field throws from Geno Smith for a while. If changes aren’t made or if things don’t turn around, this could get ugly reallllllyyy quick.
