Power Rankings: Week 7
Sup fellas.
Here we are, almost two months into the season. In fact, this is officially the halfway point!
The drop-off after the top four teams is extremely wide. As it stands, we have three 6-1 clubs gunning for the First Round BYE, but there’s still plenty of season for Cole, Brad, and Z to make a push from their 4-3 spot. Giddyup, gentlemen! The clock is ticking.
Now, more memes!
Peeping Toms (6-1)
Last Week: 2nd
Hummina hummina hummina hummina. The “all-in” trophy-chasing deal for Christian McCaffrey captured Week 7 headlines, and a quality W serves as the cherry on top. I haven’t stopped drooling at the thought of starting CMC alongside King Henry, but there’s still plenty of uncertainty to iron out. At full health though, few will be able to keep up with this type of horsepower. Vroom vroom, b*ches.
Tony Brown Town (6-1)
Last Week: 1st
The dreams of a perfect season have been crushed, but championship aspirations are still very much alive. The club’s first loss came at the hands of a worthy opponent, and it didn't help that Ekeler, Allen, and Mike Dub were on BYE. Bringing in DeAndre Hopkins wasn’t cheap - but he, Tyreek Hill, Mike Williams, AB, and eventually Michael Thomas are sure to terrorize opponents on Sunday. Still all smiles at 6-1!
Tua Tagovailoa (6-1)
Last Week: 3rd
Not one, not two, but three teams now sit at 6-1! Chetty boy picked up his sixth win in style with a big ole 160-burger. At this point, we should just hand over the OROY Award to Ja’Marr Chase. Remember when “he couldn’t catch NFL footballs” in August? Chris Godwin has been solid and steady, and A.J. Brown’s last six quarters have been remarkable. With Chubb, Jeudy, and Montgomery returning soon, it’s safe to say that depth won’t be much of an issue.
Serup In My Kupp (4-3)
Last Week: 4th
Speaking of big weeks - back over .500 with a dub over the only undefeated team in the league! The BYE clearly didn’t hinder Kyle Pitts’ momentum, and Cooper Kupp just tallied his fourth multi-touchdown game of the year. Those two paired with Keenan and Mike Evans make up what could arguably be the top receiving corps in GLOAT. Heading into Week 8, Dr. Watts is out here assigning prescriptions for punishment.
Amar(w)i gonna f*q on the Rugg? (2-5)
Last Week: 5th
Like a Bon Jovi cover band, the hits just keep on coming. In what appeared to be a favorable matchup, half the team got scared and pissed down their leg. And now we’re hearing news that Davante Adams may miss Thursday’s matchup due to a breakthrough infection??? With a deep roster and another favorable matchup, thankfully there’s still reason for optimism. But the window of opportunity is closing quickly. It’s time to become un-unlucky.
The Steamers (4-3)
Last Week: 7th
Huzzah! The blind dart throw for Allen Lazard off waivers was an absolute bullseye, and Kenyan Drake proved to be a lucky spot-start as well! This was a huge win for a banged up lineup on a tough BYE week. Hitting the halfway mark at 4-3 is a huge moral victory, but Kittle and Hunt need to come back A$AP Rocky in order to keep with the pace.
Hard Woods (3-4)
Last Week: 9th
Two straight wins, and the Limp Woods are officially bricked up again. And it’s worth noting, a flurry of shrewd moves helped ‘em get there. Kyler Murray immediately resolves the club’s chronic QB shortcomings, Cordarrelle Patterson steps in as a PPR-friendly RB2 behind Najee, and Brandin Cooks improves a modest WR unit. The tides have turned, and Week 8 brings on a Lamar Jackson-less 1-6 squad. Ladies and gentlemen, CLB is very much relevant!!!
Z-Unit (4-3)
Last Week: 6th
Three straight losses, and a booger of a week. Injuries and BYE absences certainly certainly made their presences felt, but the outlook is starting to look bleak. Sure - the acquisition of James Conner and DeVonta Smith provide added stability, but the upside simply isn’t there without Russ and Chris Carson. Unfortunately the schedule doesn’t get any easier in Week 8. It’s time to turn things around, Z-Unit!
The Stainers (2-5)
Last Week: 8th
Bunk City, Population: 1. This is another one of those weeks where you just have to cut your bait, and move on to a new fishing hole. I’d bet my bottom dollar that Mahomes doesn’t have a worse week for the next five seasons. But the same trends continue - Mike Davis has been a fifth round flop, Tee Higgins is second fiddle to the rook, and poor Jakobi Meyers just can’t score! At 2-5, there’s still a sliver of hope. But it seems that a major roster rejuvenation needs to take place.
Hammered Uncle Hanks (3-4)
Last Week: 10th
Believe it or not - Case’s 209 point nutjob a few weeks ago resulted in the exact same outcome as Henry’s 91 point sneeze in Week 8; a victory. Like a check-swing judy pop-fly over the first baseman’s head - “it’s a line drive in the books”. The “Henry Off the Henny Rebrand” got off to a winning start on Sunday, but we’ll need to see this roster at full strength before we can make any real judgements. James Robinson and his new teammates (Mixon, Pittman, Sutton, and Mitchell) have quite the challenge ahead of them.
Killing Me Swiftly (1-6)
Last Week: 11th
I hate to say it, but that may be all she wrote. Considering the heavy BYE week it wasn’t a miserable performance, but the unexpected Darren Waller absence was one heck of a throat jab. Julio Jones’ Tennessee tenure has been more sour than sweet, and Calvin Ridley has been seventy five cents on the dollar all season Jalen Hurts and D’Andre Swift continue to be the team's lone bright spots. To make the playoffs, you have to win out...
Hop On This Dick (1-6)
Last Week: 12th
With Lamar Jackson on BYE and Saquon Barkley still iffy, this has the potential to be the saddest lineup we’ve ever witnessed. Miles Sanders might not even be able to suit up! Tyler Lockett hasn’t scored double digits since Week 2, and Allen Robinson hasn’t done it once all year! It’s officially a stinkfest. All the pressure in the world is on Kyle next Sunday. A loss to this PeeWee team would be soul-crushing.
I’m sorry for being blunt. We love you, Bacich.
