2023 Live Draft Table Setter
Summer is over, and the autumn wind rolls in.
Cole’s heart rate is resting at 128. Kyle is preparing for inevitable heartbreak. Ryan is asking Maggie to switch from 10:00AM to 8:00AM mass to allow for 7 hours of church-free football. Devon is practicing his griddy in the mirror. Mike is doing mocks while Chet rescues a cat from a tree.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are back. Welcome to Season 6.
Organized by Draft Order
Kyle
All-Time Record: 25-42
At some point, you start to question the sanity of a man who repeatedly volunteers to have his heart fileted in a public forum year after year. But much like Brad Kelly at a Keystone Light keg party, Harwood keeps on coming back for more. This glutton for punishment was finally able to land his first punch last season, securing his first playoff appearance with a respectable .500 record. One more year of fantasy adequacy might be all it takes to remove the yellow stain of 2018 through 2021. The 1.01 pick certainly provides a nice jumpstart.
Chet & Mike
2022 Champion
All-Time Record: 32-22
These two were enshrined in the Burlingame Hall of Fame by bringing home fantasy glory in 2022. Together, they join an exclusive club of men who can trump any argument and any form of trash talk by responding with one single question - “how many rings have you won?” But…could there be trouble in paradise? Adam Schefter recently reported that the Franco camp has grown frustrated with the Silveria family’s lack of participation on draft day. There have even been rumors about a potential Franco holdout. Maybe it’s overblown, but it makes you wonder if there are flames behind the smoke.
Stain
*2020 Champion (Covid-19 Season)
All-Time Record: 36-31
Had it not been for the impulsive and infamous transaction that took place on the top deck of a houseboat on Lake Havasu in early October, the Housing Chair may have been able to ride CeeDee Lamb all the way to titletown. The currently funemployed James Robinson ultimately derailed those championship aspirations, but the roster was still able to sneak their way into the playoffs. This villainous franchise owns one of the more reputable resumes in league history. 4 playoff appearances, 1 ring, and 2 questionable confrontations at the Watts household. Scary stuff.
Pete
All-Time Record: (2-11)
What seems to be the officer, problem? After failing to set his lineup on numerous occasions in 2018, Pete pleaded guilty to Public Negligence and Disorderly Disrespect, earning himself a lengthy four year suspension from GLOAT. Now that he’s repaid his debt to society, he’s ready to instill law and order. Having been given the keys to a franchise in great turmoil, many question if he’s the right man for the job. But c’mon - “it’s Peter!”
Cole
All-Time Record: 34-33
8th Place, 7th Place, 6th Place, 5th Place, then 2nd Place. You don’t have to be a Vemma Sales Executive to see the growth potential here. In fact, early season betting has moved the line all the way up to 9.5 wins. But is the valuation accurate? How much more growth is available in this bear market? People are starting to murmur that this is just a bubble, bound to burst at the first sign of a FAAB rate hike. Either way, expectations have never been higher.
Bacich
All-Time Record: 26-41
Much like his initial engagement announcement in the groupchat, no one seemed to notice the fact that Bacich pieced together a really nice 2022 campaign. However, recent history tells us that holy matrimony doesn't correspond with fantasy stardom. In the seasons following their respective proposals, both Ryan and Brad finished with a lackluster 5-9 record. Can Bacich buck this trend? Or will the curse of the sixth sacrament continue? Only time will tell!
Brad
All-Time Record: 35-32
0-5 out of the gates. Just how he drew it up. Followed by a 4 game win streak, followed again by a 3 game losing streak. BK took the Old School approach and was a big streaker in 2022. The hot-then-cold tendencies ultimately led to the worst season in franchise history. The good news? There’s no place to go but up. The bad news? No more “wedding planning” excuses. If there’s one thing we can all agree about Brad Kelly - it’s that he's a huge complainer. Huge. Relentless at times. Constant. Very relieved that he won’t be able to blame fantasy failure on his nuptials anymore.
Case
2021 Champion
All-Time Record: 25-29
Following the PED (Performance Enhancing Devon) controversy that took place during his 2021 championship run, Dufy followed that up with a powerful 2022 lineup that somehow failed to deliver the goods. In fact, this was one of three rosters to finish the 2022 season Top 5 in scoring, with a record of .500 or worse. Oh, the injustice of fantasy football. Expectations are high for Case in 2023 - and no that’s not a pun about his height. Returning to fantasy valhalla is certainly in the cards, but it could be a tall order.
Tom
2019 Champion
All-Time Record: 47-20
The Bulls lost in ‘94 & ‘95. The Yanks blew it in ‘97. Michael Phelps lost a race or two somewhere along the way. Even Mike Tyson fell to Buster Douglas before reclaiming his heavyweight belt. 2022 was a blip. A minor blemish. A speed bump on the expressway to the manifestation of Tommy Two Rings. Check the resume. You know who tf I am.
Hank
All-Time Record: 34-33
One dominant season, one in the cellar, and a couple more somewhere in between. I reckon that’s how you end up with an adequate yet uninspiring 34-33 career record. In an age dominated by data and advanced metrics, this is a franchise who isn’t afraid to spit in the face of analytic reason and pull the trigger on blockbuster deals. AB for Le’Veon Bell (2018). CMC for Mixon (2021). And not to mention last year’s quandary that sent the entire league into an anti-trust tailspin. Right or wrong, you have to tip your cap to the guy who’s willing to push his chips in, and answer questions later. One of these years, it’s going to pay off.
Devon
2018 Champion
All-Time Record: 30-37
World class guy. Scratch golfer. Unparalleled eye for football talent. Renowned jaw line. I heard he benches 290 for reps. I say this because it’s the truth - not because I’m trying to butter up my pal and favorite fishing guide. It has nothing to do with that. And frankly - how dare you even suggest such a thing! Compliments aside, it’s been tough sledding for Devon “Can’t He?” since the GLOAT’s inaugural season in 2018. 1 playoff appearance, 1 ring. Low batting average, but a quality slugging percentage.
Ryan
All-Time Record: 39-28
I think I’m comfortable going on record stating that if 2023 isn’t going to bring me my second ring, then I’d like for it to be MJ’s father. Actually - nevermind. Record is too strong. I take it back. I wish you bad fortune. Four winning seasons, four playoff appearances, and the second best winning percentage in league history makes for one heck of a LinkedIn profile. But much like your local Home Depot after a long black friday sale, this franchise offers a shocking lack of hardware. All of the intangibles are there - grit, commitment, staying power, courage. Those adjectives are nice, but trophies are forever.
Giddyup.
