Power Rankings: Week 1
Salutations!
Week 1 is always the hardest to rank. And when half the league fails to reach triple digits, that only makes it tougher.
It’s a difficult assignment, but I’m certain you’ll unanimously agree with my outlook.
Mike & Chet, not Chet & Mike (1-0)
Shut up, Chet. I don’t want to hear it. Are you still feeling “pretty banged up?” I imagine Mike is fine and dandy. I’m of the opinion this is the only team that should feel optimistic about their Week 1 performance. Etienne and White both notched ~20 touches, and Breece Hall completely ignored the fact that his knee got turned inside out last year. We already know how scary the Jettas - Olave duo is. If a long-term solution can be found for the WR3 slot, then we could be looking at another playoff contender out of Burlingame.
Case (1-0)
Evidentially the man is not a supporter of tradition nor homemade awards, but he appears to have drafted a solid squad! The Rubbing Back looked far from innocent perfect on Sunday, but it’s hard to argue with the results. Bijan Mustard and Raheem Mustard are potent enough by themselves, and then you throw in Kenneth Walker a potential new lead in Gus Edwards? Nasty. Andrews is on the mend and Aiyuk is poppin’ off. The only notable concern is whether or not Garrett Wilson will be able to sustain WR1 upside with the young MFer under center.
Kyle (0-1)
Stinks. 114.58 ain’t nothing to write home about, but it also would have been enough to beat any other team in the league if the matchups were different. Geno looked like his old self against a nameless defence. Here’s a funny exercise. Put your phone aside, and see if you can come up with a Rams defensive player not named Aaron Donald. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler? Thought so. The WVU-alum was the only real underperformer in the starting lineup, while Tua put up some big boy numbers while riding the pine. Bummer start to the season, but let’s not fret.
Cole (1-0)
Well now we know what your achilles heel is, don’t we? J.K. …Read that one again…. God, I’m good. The loss of the Ravens’ RB1 is significant. Anime Williams will fill in nicely for the time being, but Alvin Kamara’s eventual return leaves this talented roster void of a long term answer at RB2. But it’s Week 1, there is an abundance of time. I’m choosing to ignore the on-field defecation that was Joe Burrow’s performance on Sunday. He and Saquon will have much brighter days ahead.
Bacich (0-1)
106 points sounds a whole lot worse when you’re reminded by the fact that Tyreek Hill put up 39 himself. CeeDee Lamb was barely needed in the Sunday night beatdown, DJ Moore was largely uninvolved, and Watson was dinged up. James was cookin’, and James Conner appears to be the only functional piece in a desolate AZ offense. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Josh Allen live up to his draft capital - which creates a smidge of concern that grows with each consecutive underwhelming performance. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Pete (1-0)
Alright, Pete. Put down the 24oz Monster Energy before you get yourself too worked up. You won your season debut on the back of a 35 point outburst from Austin Ekeler - I mean, Justin Herbert - I mean, Joe Mixon. Wait, how can this be right - the Dallas defense? Yep - the Cowboys D scored the second most fantasy points out of all registered players in Week 1. That’s what fantasy football is all about right there. That’s why we play. I refuse to acknowledge this as a strong first showing, but I also refuse to believe that Tee Higgins and Dallas Goedert will post goose eggs in Week 2.
Austin (1-0)
Looks like someone had Lucky Charms for breakfast, because falling short of 80 points in any given week usually lands you on the wrongside of a blowout. DeVonta Smith and the three tailbacks were notable bright spots, but Diontae Johnson’s hammy certainly dampens the mood. After a healthy scratch in Week 1, all eyes will be on Rashaad Penny and whether or not he can earn a nickel’s worth of opportunity in Week 2 with Gainwell dinged up. If not, he’ll be worth nothing more than spare change.
Tom (1-0)
A win is a win, but this one wasn’t sweet. And it’s all Sean McVay’s fault. My arch nemesis. Oh, how I’d love to scuff his stupid white shoes. You spend all offseason boasting that Cam Akers will be a “HuGe PaRt” of your 2023 offense, and then you have him split carries with Kyren Williams? Kyren Williams? Seriously? Be gone, you pipsqueak. On the plus side, Chubb’s receiving usage was promising alongside his silly efficiency on the ground, and if Dotson & Pittman both become “things” - then this roster will offer one of the deepest and highest floor WR units in GLOAT. But to win long term, Justin Fields needs to kick it into high gear.
Devon (0-1)
Good team, pedestrian week. Tony P and Aaron Jones are probably the most dynamic RB duo in the league, and while their are questions at WR, it’s hard to dislike a corps that starts with HoF Davante Adams. If Darren Waller lives up to the preseason hype and if puka shell necklace becomes more than just a seasonal trend, then De’Von (Canty, not Achane) will be making his long-awaited and triumphant return to the postseason. But there’s still plenty of water to cover before then.
Ryan (0-1)
Don’t tank just yet! There’s a lot of time left on the clock. Just like we used to do on the N64 - eject the game, blow the dust out of the cartridge, and hammer that reset button. I give it +450 odds that this lineup records more than 1 touchdown Week 2. No way that nonsense repeats itself. Jacobs, Diggs, and Cooper are just too talented. That doesn’t mean there aren’t concerns though. Pitts was the pits, Christian Kirk was full of sin, and most kiddie pools are deeper than this bench. I expect this captain to make some prudent moves on the waiver wire to turn this ship around quickly.
Henry (0-1)
I think you have the right idea. Choose optimism. Move on from Week 1. It’s in the past like a ponytail. Hurts, Rhamondre, and Henry (of the Derrick variety) will post big numbers soon. But Stain does raise a valid point. With two girls and no Kupp, this roster boasts the weakest WR room in the entire league. 6 total touches between McLaurin, Burks, London, and FLEX D’Andre Swift is about as ugly as it gets. But like you said - choose optimism. And if that doesn’t work out, you can always choose violence.
Brad (0-1)
New corporate policy: you forget to set your lineup, you get assigned the bottom spot on the totem pole. Don’t let the ranking fool you though - when Kelce returns, this lineup will be threatening. How ‘bout them rooks? Gibbs looked every bit as explosive as advertised on TNF, Pete’s long lost brother Anthony looked solid in his first career NFL start, and Zay Flowers paced Baltimore with 10 targets. The future isn’t unbright.
