2024 Live Draft Table Setter
We’re back. We’re so back.
Your next four months will be chock full of jubilance, anxiety, anticipation, spontaneous arousal, and inevitable heartbreak. Buckle up, the emotional roller coaster that is fantasy football starts now. But in true Darwinistic fashion, only one will be left standing in January. It took six years for one of us to double dip in the championship guac - whoopsies! But with each passing September, we are presented with a brand new bowl of chips. How’s your appetite? I’m pretty f*cking hungry.
Organized by Draft Order.
Case
2021 Champion
All-Time Record: 35-33
Case & The Buttonheads (pretty decent band name if you ask me) pieced together one hell of a campaign in 2023, headlined by a 10-4 record and a regular season crown. It may have ended with a disappointing loss in the semis, but we can all take solace in the fact that the championship plaque will be in safe hands this season. Phew! The all-time record might look pedestrian, but Dufy has been on a tear recently. 26-16 over the last three seasons, with a big ole shiny ring to show for it. Speaking of rings, it sounds like Sierra could use a NuvaRing!
Ryan
All-Time Record: 44-36-1
How bad do you want it? People (mainly Chet and Bali) are starting to murmur. They’re starting to question your gumption. Your sagacity. Your spirit. Your discernment. No - I’ve never used Thesaurus.com, why do you ask? Minus one doomsday season in 2021, this dude has been a major factor throughout the entirety of his career. Don’t look now, but with four playoff appearances and only two losing seasons under his belt, MJ and [BABY TO BE NAMED LATER]’s dad could be one ‘ship away from being super annoying. Like super annoying.
Tom
2023 Champion
2019 Champion
All-Time Record: 57-24
Listen y’all - I know I haven’t been the easiest guy to be around. It’s been a challenging year, and I let the awards and accolades get to my head. It’s so easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, and lose sight of what really matters most in life. I love you guys, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I’d be nothing without my best friends. So with that in mind, from the bottom of my heart, I’d like to take this chance to apologize…..to absolutely nobody. The double champ does what the f*ck he wants.
Pete
All-Time Record: 9-18
After serving a lengthy four year suspension, in 2023 Peter The Cop kicked in the door with excessive force and handcuffed all of GLOAT without reading their Miranda Rights. The storybook season came to an abrupt end following a championship beatdown - confirmed by bodycam footage - but expectations remain lofty this fall. For those who don’t know, Pete just became a homeowner! I heard through my police scanner that he’s already picked out a spot on the mantle for his trophy.
Kyle
All-Time Record: 31-50
Everyone’s favorite masochist is back for more punishment. We’ve been at this for six full seasons now. That’s six years worth of Thielen for ARob trades, Miles Sanders letdowns, Dalvin’s cooked hamstrings, and my personal favorite; “I drafted Michael Thomas in three leagues, he better not f*ck me”. It doesn’t matter where you point the finger, the fact of the matter is that this franchise has yet to top a .500 record. Pal, it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot.
Bacich
All-Time Record: 35-46
Alright, the wedding is over. It’s time to move on. There’s work to be done, because that all-time record isn’t as pretty as Kate wearing a white dress. Back-to-back playoff appearances has momentum for the Bacich clan moving in the right direction, but this league has never been about handout. We ain’t never been about that. It’s a new season. A clean slate. It’s time to shower up, throw on those scrubs, and head to the OR. Because Peter is about to get surgical.
Austin
*2020 Champion
All-Time Record: 45-36
For those that don’t know, Austin and Brittany just completed a scenic road trip up the west coast! It looked divine! While in Southern California, they made a festive pit stop in Disneyland - which I found to be extremely apropos considering Stain is the owner of GLOAT’s 2020 Mickey Mouse Championship. Cute, right? With one of the strongest resumes in league history, he enters Season 7 with aspirations to FastPass his way to January while avoiding any threat of (California) screamin’.
Mike & Chet
2022 Champion
All-Time Record: 39-29
Despite feeling pretty banged up on draft day, the Burlingame Boyz pieced together a quality team in 2023 - no doubt fueled by the good vibes of their namesake, West End Pub. “Mike” no mistake about it, this duo has been a force to be reckoned with in recent years. Three straight playoff appearances, and a big ole championship banner hanging high in the rafters of the BHS Gymnasium. But let me tell you something. I can’t wait to slot you into your home at #4 in the Power Rankings. I don’t care if you get off to a 7-0 start. It’s where you belong. I’ll fabricate my justification one way or another.
Brad
All-Time Record: 42-39
GLOAT’s sweetheart, Sam’s sweetheart, my sweetheart. This fan favorite has had more ups and downs than a 2017 Morgan Wallen radio hit. Up, down, up, down, up down. He may be making the playoffs at a 50% clip, but with zilch playoff experience beyond the first round, and two consecutive seasons in the consolation bracket, Pointers Pub has been uncharacteristically quiet as of late. It’s still better than Open Bar though.
Hank
All-Time Record: 38-42-1
Let’s add “Therapist” to the growing list of noble professions involved in GLOAT. We have first responders, sales reps, project engineers, space cowboys, fishing guides, and more! But is there anything more admirable than dedicating your time and energy to supporting Kyle’s deteriorating mental health? Well done, Hank! *applause* *applause* But hey - after 12th and 11th place finishes in back-to-back seasons, it’s going to take more than CBT and visualization exercises to dig yourself out of this hole. Buck up chipmunk, let’s get out of this funk.
Cole
All-Time Record: 38-43
Let’s rewind the clock and take a peek at last season’s pre-draft table setter: “8th Place, 7th Place, 6th Place, 5th Place, then 2nd Place. You don’t have to be a Vemma Sales Executive to see the growth potential here. In fact, early season betting has moved the line all the way up to 9.5 wins.” For those of you who have 1-800-GAMBLER on speed dial, I hope you took the under! The aforementioned meteoric rise was stymied by a last place finish in 2023, leaving the Commish as our designated juice box boy on Draft Day. Ahhhhhh, just soak it in. Let’s enjoy this one.
Devon
2018 Champion
All-Time Record: 35-46
The last time this franchise sniffed the playoffs was in 2018. At that time, four of our leaguemates were still playing baseball at a high level, “God’s Plan” was No. 1 on the charts, Meghan Markle had just joined the royal family, and the only corona we were familiar with was served with a lime. You have to admire the chutzpah on draft day, and that inaugural season championship ring will be remembered for generations. But Devon, it’s time to recast. Keep your eye on the indicator this season. Mend right…bigger mend right….good….YES!
Season 7 is upon us.
Rejoice, gentlemen, Rejoice.
