Power Rankings: Week 1
Calm down, Kyle. Here you go! Enjoy your moment in the sun! You can stop texting me about this week’s rankings. They’re ready now.
Apologies for the delay this week, gentlemen! Believe it or not, I don’t get paid to do this! Enjoy our first round of 2024 Power Rankings as we barrel towards Week 2. Best of luck and best of health.
Brad (1-0)
GG’s, sweetheart. For the less educated, Cooper Kupp is so f*cking annoying to play against. 21 targets and a 43% target share in Week 1? Are you kidding me? I call foul, sir! The Nabers & Wilson usage indicates that better days lie ahead, and let’s not ignore the fact that J.K. Dobbins had himself a marvelous opening day on the bench. B.K., have it your way. You rule!
Henry (1-0)
Newsflash: Saquon is good at football! So is Jonathan Taylor. And Rachaad White appears to be every bit the volume monster he was in 2023. Without question, Hank possesses the scariest RB unit in the league. The WR room felt shaky on draft day, so Diggs’ involvement around the goal line should really take the edge off. 9 total air yards on 6 targets though? Borderline humorous.
Kyle (1-0)
Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Top 3? Holy cow! It must be opposite day. I’m gonna go out on a limb and proclaim that this is Harwood’s highest seed in power rankings history. I didn’t fact check that, but it sounds believable enough to go unverified during a presidential debate. Remember what I said earlier about the dominance of Hank’s RB room? These fellas ain’t far behind. If Brian Thomas Jr. becomes something, Kyle might finally become something.
Ryan (1-0)
Let’s start with the good news. How ‘bout that Bears D/ST?!? Tyreek Hill posted a cool 7 -130 -1 statline with handcuff bruises still on his wrists. Yeah, sure, Jahmyr Gibbs is a sexy name, but you know who’s still hanging around? A fella named David Montgomery. The bad news? Christian Kirk was nowhere to be found down in Miami, and Mark Andrews’ involvement (or lack thereof) sent waves through the fantasy community on TNF. Will Week 2 be better, not Likely! Get it?
Tom (0-1)
Yeah, I’m 0-1. Whatever. I sleep soundly at night knowing that I possess not one, but two GLOAT titles. Count ‘em. On paper, this 2024 roster blows last year’s championship depth chart out of the water. It’s not even close. The WR corps is deep with mighty upside, and the once “oatmealy” RB room is now savory and delicious following the rise of Jordan Mason. Gotta get in the win column, but this team is scary. You know it to be true.
Pete (1-0)
What a weird opener - but you can’t argue with the outcome! Robinson & Jones look like a formidable duo in the backfield, and Josh Allen seemingly doesn’t need help at receiver in order to deliver QB1 value. But man, you’d be hard pressed to find worse vibes at WR. Just 9 combined receptions hauled in by Olave, Pittman, and Ridley. If Pete intends to make another championship run, those three need to kick it into high gear. The RodGod can’t carry the torch all season long!
Austin (1-0)
92 points, 1-0. Like a leaky wooden boat on a rainy afternoon, you got bailed out in a big f*cking way. There are only three key positives to take into Week 2; Jettas is going to be just fine, Kyren Williams can be an RB1 AND a punt returner at the same time, and we were all wayyyyyy too low on Joe Mixon this season. If Stain intends to fulfill the prophecy, Lisan al Caleb needs to spend more time in the film room and less time in the nail salon.
Screw it. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. You can keep the receipts. $50 for Allen Lazard & Tyler Johnson???
Devon (0-1)
First of all, love the rebrand. Second of all, love the addition of Justin Fields to fill in for the banged up Jordan Love. De’Von Achane’s pronouns are he/HIM. Yes, I’m writing this having already watched his Week 2 performance on TNF. Maybe his numbers regress following the loss of Tua, but this dude’s utilization and explosiveness are off the charts. Absolute steal for De’Von to get De’Von in the 3rd Round. This is a good team that could become a great team if Mazda Marv transforms into Maserati Marv.
Chet + Mike (0-1)
Be honest. How much is Joe Burrow’s wrist stressing you two out? Watergate 2.0 couldn’t have helped. Before you put a hit out on me for the bunk power ranking, let me first say that this is a talented roster that just so happened to roll out an ugly double digit dud last Sunday. You have to be feeling especially jazzed about Xavier Worthy, Tony P, & Isiah “Stomp The Yard” Pacheco. But at the same time, I imagine you’re feeling slightly less jazzed about Dalton Kincaid and Drizzy London’s combined 5 targets in Week 1. Here’s to hoping things turn around in Week 2, because that’s a mighty big pill to swallow.
Spoiler Alert: Things don’t improve for Dalton Kincaid.
Bacich (0-1)
The injury bug strikes again! First Puka, then Jake Ferguson, and now Raheem Mostert. But man, adding Isaiah Likely off the waiver wire just a few hours prior to kickoff? Job well done, sir. Depth has quickly become a concern for this banged up roster, which puts a ton of pressure on Zamir White and Darnell Mooney to start returning value. Because if they don’t - Mike Evans, Jalen Hurts, and Amon-Ra won’t be able to take PTO very often. Their presence will be needed each and every week.
Cole (0-1)
This ranking isn’t permanent. Think about it like one of those annoying henna tattoos that might stick around for a week or two. Dak, Sutton, JSN, McBride, and Swift all had lackluster days - and while I don’t necessarily believe in all of them equally - most of those dudes are bound to bounce back. Mr. Watts and Mr. Burrow need Mr. Higgins to return A$AP Rocky!
Update: Higgins out for Week 2. Kenneth Walker doubtful. A.J. Brown nursing a tight hammy. The injury bug may have just claimed its first victim. Don’t forget to vaccinate! You know who you are.
Case (0-1)
Listen. Your position at the bottom of the pile has more to do with Christian McCaffrey’s calf than it does with the caliber of the roster. Jayden Daniels has the looks of a fantasy stud, regardless how good he actually is at playing NFL Quarterback. Without the 1.01 pick, this RB room is alarmingly empty.
Update: I wrote that entry on Monday night. Since then, things have gone from bad to worse. And then things went from worse to rock bottom. CMC on IR, and Waddle running routes with Skylar Thompson under center. But hey, you’re 0-1. Not 0-7. The clock isn’t ticking. Yet.
