Power Rankings: Week 5

Before we get into this week’s power rankings, I thought I’d do something extra and show you the true bullsh*t behind including D/ST and Kickers (especially kickers) in fantasy football…

The figures you see below equate to the sum of your D/ST + Kicker points scored through the first five weeks, expressed as a percentage of your team’s total points scored. The A Stainers led the league with a whopping 17.6%, while Brees In The Trap holds up the rear at just 7.6%. I’ll agree there’s strategy to selecting a D/ST every week, but predicting Kicker output is a shot in the dark. BAN KICKERS 2021!

D/ST + Kickers

Expressed as a % of Total Points Scored

Anyway, check out where you stand after Week 5…

1. Moore Crow-Bell (5-0)

   Last Week: 2nd

   Those at the top of the mountain didn’t fall there. 5-0, with bumps and bruises all over the place. Now just a few wins away from cinching a playoff spot, confidence should be at an all time high considering the team hasn’t been anywhere close to full strength since draft day. And don’t look now, but Jamison Crowder is the 3rd highest scoring WR in the league on a per game basis. Sheesh!

2. Hammered Uncle Hanks (4-1)

   Last Week: 1st

   For a brief moment, I thought maybe this reign of terror had come to an end. With Dak’s season-ending injury and Dalvin Cook pulling a groin, the Hanks were hemorrhaging. But naw. Deep-like-the-ocean WR depth allowed the team to acquire Lamar Jackson and Tyler Boyd at a reasonable cost. To summarize, Hen turned Amari Cooper and 3 bench players into the reigning MVP and a quality WR2. I’d still pick the Week 4 starting lineup over what’s to come, but this is what I’d call one hell of a pivot. Bravo.

   Trade Update: Personally, I would’ve held onto Tyler Boyd instead of exchanging him for Alexander Mattison. I reckon you can’t understate the importance of insurance, but he might only be viable for one game.

3. Still T.O.M. (4-1)

   Last Week: 3rd

   Who would’ve thunk it? Mike Davis - 2020’s Mr. Irrelevant - the very last pick of this season’s fantasy draft, would single-handedly save his team’s season. For Still T.O.M. and the Carolina Panthers. At this point, I’m not even sure I want McCaffrey back. Davis has been RB3 during CMC’s stint on the IR, while ARob, Keenan, and Kyler continue to post big numbers. It may not be the deepest team in the league, but 20-burgers can come at you from any direction.

4. A Stainers (3-2)

   Last Week: 4th

   Nobody wants to go to your pity party. You’re 3-2, with a premier option at just about every position. Yes, Bruce Arians has juked us too many times to count, but RoJo has looked fantastic during Fournette’s absence. Can he finally put an end to the backfield controversy in Tampa? Jarvis had his highest target game to date, and CeeDee Lamb keeps putting up healthy numbers. Your team is good. Deal with it, pal.

5. Terra Nova Tigers (2-3)

   Last Week: 8th
   I hate to add lighter fluid to an annoying flame, but this team is getting better every week. Adam Thielen has quietly been the best WR in fantasy football, and Michael Thomas might have something to say about that pretty soon. Even he has been a bit fussy lately. And now we have to add Tyler Boyd to the mix?? Mostert might finally be putting the ‘Kyle Shanahan uses a committee backfield’ discussion to bed, and Todd Gurley and Kenyan Drake are still getting the rock a ton despite their inefficiencies. There’s work to be done at 2-3, but TNT has a better outlook than most sub-.500 teams.

6. #1 team in all of HMB (3-2)

   Last Week: 7th
   The enigma of the league. One week they’re barely breaking 50, the next they’re north of 120 with a negative output in the QB slot. With any luck, Cam Newton and Chris Godwin will return soon which would galvanize the team at full strength. If the washed up duo of AJ Green and TY Hilton can figure things out, that would do wonders for a team that’s struggled with WR consistency all season long. But how much longer will Green be in Cincy?

7. The Steamers (1-4)

   Last Week: 6th

   No one’s been hit harder by the NFL’s bout with COVID-related schedule changes. So the loss this week needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It’s a stellar team with a three-headed monster at RB, with an increasingly sexy trio of WRs. Nobody is happy at 1-4, and 1-5 would be awfully close to a death sentence. Up next is an equally desperate 1-4 team who just went through a roster overall. It’s shaping up to one hell of a clash.

   Update: Melvin Gordon got caught boozin’ and cruisin’, which means he’s due for a multi-week extension. When it rains, it pours. Good thing Philip Lindsay is on the roster!

8. John Brown (3-2)

   Last Week: 5th

   The loss of Austin Ekeler without a viable replacement is bunker than bunk. CEH has looked electric on the field, but moderately pedestrian in the fantasy box score - at least for a first round pick. With Tyler Lockett and Darren Wallker on BYE in Week 6, newbies D’Andre Swift and CEH are really gonna have to get things rolling if the team wants to hover above .500. The lone set of good news coming out of Week 5 was Michael Gallup and Christian Kirk’s long awaited sparks of fantasy relevance.

9. Brees In The Trap (1-4)

   Last Week: 10th

   Just because Hammered Uncle Hank did some finessing at the trade table this week doesn’t mean young Case didn’t do well himself! Nobody wants to lose Lamar, but to get a borderline WR1 and a borderline WR2 in return? Not bad, fella. With Calvin Ridley (WR3), Amari Cooper (WR13), Robby Anderson (WR8), Justin Jefferson (WR26), and Darius Slayton (WR21) - this is now the deepest and best receiving group in the league. And they already had a solid RB trio. With some form of steady QB play, Case oughta start compiling some wins here pretty soon.

10. Peter’s Team (1-4)

    Last Week: 7th

    This is what you call a skid. After blowing up Week 1 with a nuclear 160+ point performance, they’ve topped 120 just once in what’s currently a 4 game losing streak. And it doesn’t get any easier in Week 6 with Josh Jacobs on BYE, taking on the only remaining undefeated team in the league. There are stars up and down the roster, but apparently style points aren’t worth much these days. A loss this week would provide no more room for failure. It’s time to put up or shut up!

11. Lord Beer Me Strength (1-4)

    Last Week: 11th

    Scotty Miller, eh? In all seriousness though, it was just a tough week for a team with multiple BYE’s and a premier RB1 on IR. Kenny Golladay and Tee Higgins will provide some much needed reliability in Week 6, and all eyes will be on Damien Harris’s involvement on Sunday now that Cam Newton is healthy. He could be a huge x-factor right there. Josh Allen and Travis Kelce can only carry these guys so far, the rest of the team needs to step up.

12. Z-Unit (2-3)

    Last Week: 12th

    What’s that smell? Don’t be alarmed, it’s just Z’s rotting dream of hoisting a championship trophy in 2020. But not so fast, Z-Unit was able to turn what many proclaimed to be an unimpressive 2019 roster into a championship runner-up. We’ve seen him pull a rabbit out of the hat before, but this is going to be one hell of a challenge. Especially with the team’s best player on BYE in Week 6. At 2-3 though, anything can happen. I’m still picking up a faint heartbeat!